I’ve had this post drifting in the back of my mind for months now, mostly because I’ve known that to be able to write it would be an enormous milestone in and of itself. I’ve struggled more than I thought I would to come up with the right words.
From the time they were born, these boys have snagged us, heart and soul. They have, quite literally, transformed us- all six of us. And now they are one.
In so many ways, this last year was the most challenging in my life. The first three months stretched me beyond what I thought was possible. It was just so. hard. Andy and I would stare at each other, incapable of coming up with words to describe both the enormity of love that had landed in our arms and the desperation we both felt to survive those first difficult months. The boys screamed constantly- every minute they were awake. It was so, so hard. I don’t really want to forget just how hard, because that’s part of the story too.
The lack of sleep should have done me in. By some miracle act of grace, I survived on 4 or 5 hours of sleep every night, never more than 1.5 or 2 hours at a time, for an entire year. Only now has it been catching up to me, slamming into me like a force to be reckoned with. Before, everyone would ask why I wasn’t a walking zombie and I didn’t know. I was tired, yes, but not nearly so tired as I should have been.
The joy they bring into our home is somewhat inexpressible. It’s a palpable energy that we all depend on- every last one of us. It’s this crazy thing- loving two little people completely for themselves, distinct from the other but then not, because they seem almost to be part of one another. Inseparable. I would never, for example, think to take one on errands and leave the other at home with Andy. It would be like taking Posy to the store and leaving her legs behind. It just doesn’t work. It’s unsettling.
There have been other major changes in our family life this year as well. We moved; that was crazy. And my writing life has taken on something of a new dimension, which I most certainly did not foresee happening. In so many ways I feel like the last twelve months have been a giant tidal wave and I’m just riding along, no idea what’s next on the horizon or where the wave will come down. I’m just clinging to these 7 other people for dear life, knowing that He’s got us right where He wants us. It’s all rather terrifying and fabulous.
It is so much fun to watch the twins’ personalities emerge. Dewy is more responsive to people- smiling just a touch more easily, free with his kisses. Huck tends to hold back just a bit more. He crawled almost a full month before Dewy even tried, but Dewy stood up on his own first.
They both adore music. As soon as we start singing, they start dancing- especially Huck! It’s this rhythmic body bounce thing that is so incredibly cute. He’ll be sitting there dancing and Dewy will start to sing, especially if it happens to be the Wheels on the Bus, which is the current #1 Billboard hit.
For awhile there Huck was a tidy little eater and Dewy was a disaster (he’d spit the food back out sprinkler style, just to get a reaction). That’s changed now- and that’s how it is. As soon as we peg something about one of their personalities, it shifts and doesn’t hold true anymore. People often ask me which twin is the more dominant of the two, and I couldn’t tell you. It shifts moment by moment.
I have always, always, always been able to tell them apart easily, but just in the last couple of weeks, it’s gotten trickier. Their head shape is consistently what looks different to me. And something about the look in their eyes, though I’m not sure I can name it. It’s clear as day to me, though, like a sixth sense.
For the most part, nobody else (save Prim) can tell them apart at all. Everybody guesses wrong pretty much 50% of the time, which basically means always, when you think about it. People ask if I’m nervous that we’ll get them mixed up, but I’m not. They don’t look nearly as alike to me as they do to you.
It surprises me how mellow the twins are now. They are so content to play with each other, to flop over each other like puppies and steal each others’ binkies. Sometimes Huck will wake considerably earlier than Dewy, and he always seems just slightly discontent until his brother comes downstairs to play. He’ll be just a little whiny, just a bit of a grump, and then his twin will be plopped on the floor next to him and once again all is right in his world.
We call them “this one” and “that one” just as often as we call them by name (their real names, not Huck and Dewy, of course) (you do know those aren’t their real names, right?).
Posy just calls them “boy.” Which works. “Boy is so cute,” she’ll say, and then she’ll steal his toy and run off- just to make sure the pecking order is sustained.
So here we are a year out. The milestone that all new sleep-deprived parents of twins wonder if they’ll ever see. And all I can think is that their very being is Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam- for the greater glory of God.
If there is one thing they do without fail, every single day, with every single breath they take, it’s that they point to the marvel of their Creator, and they help me to see that we never know what’s right around the bend. God’s plans are always, always, always better than our own. And these little boys?
They prove it every single day.